Pre-Relationship Advice

[Dakatsu]

This might be long, so if I get no replies, it's fine and I'd understand. The part in italics is skippable (but possibly may be useful). I think I know what to do, but since I'm in an emotional state, I could be dead wrong without realizing it... Chances are I will act tomorrow, so anything after 6am may not of been read.

So, my old relationship collapsed on itself, and basically I like another girl. This girl is one of my best friends, been that way for many years, and I've always liked her, even during my last relationship (although I of course liked the other girl 10x more at that time). She is a year younger than me and in the lower grade. I've known her for three years, and although we don't share any classes, we can see eachother at times. Sadly my shyness normally prevents me from talking to her if she is around other people. I often call her on the phone though, albeit half the time she can't talk due to schoolwork. While this seems a bit distant, my last relationship was with a girl from another school. This girl also lives much closer to me (I could walk if I so wished).

About a week ago I admitted my feelings for her, to her, and she rejected me on the basis that she didn't feel the same about me. She still wants to be friends, and that is how it stands now (I haven't talked with her since, although it does regularly happen that we won't talk to each other for a week).

I still love her, and I want her to be mine, but I also want her to be my friend. I sadly know, given past experiences, that I;

• Cannot be friends with someone I love.
• Cannot fall out of love with her in time, only if she changes or hurts me.

My last relationship ended because the girl I loved changed for the worse, and mistreated me. I felt the girl I loved died, and even though I felt pain when it ended, I could actually take the relationship ending.

So, I basically feel like I have two options;

• Let our friendship die. I know it will in time if nothing changes, but I could stop trying to keep it alive. If I can then fall out of love with her, I could rekindle that friendship later. If I still love her, I cannot hope to be a friend of hers.
• Pursue her. My friendship will end no matter what, so if I attempt to have her love me, I could not only save our friendship but be in a loving relationship.

Of course, if I end it I may never regain her friendship, and if I pursue her I may alienate her, destroying not only our friendship, but any hope of fixing it.

I can think of a third option, that I think may work... Now, normally in school lingo, dating means being boyfriend and girlfriend. I think the best thing I can go for is to actually \"date\" her - do stuff with her alone, such as watch a movie or go out for dinner. She doesn't need to love me to do this. But she knows I love her, and she would know why all of a sudden I'd want her to come over to my house to see a movie.

I don't know if she'd accept the invitation given the fact she knows I love her, especially since we'd be alone. She may view it as not for her entertainment, but for me to attempt to snatch her. My true intention is that she may fall for me after spending time with me. I sadly know that I can't force her to like me.

I think she had feelings for me a long time ago, when we sat across the aisle on the bus from each other. For instance, I remember how she commented me on my blue eyes, and how she thought they were so pretty. She always commented me for being sweet and nice, and took nearly every opportunity to hug me (something she rarely does today). I think that if she spent time with me, she might have a revival of those feelings.

In summary: I really don't want to lose her as a friend, she has been supportive of me and truly cares for me, and I think I'd be dead without her intervening in my life. I just know from experience that our friendship will deteriorate if I love her and she doesn't feel the same way. It would be slow miserable for both of us if I tried to hold onto it, and the only real hope is to let it die, just disappear from her life, with the hopes of rebuilding it in time. I don't want to pursue her if it would kill our friendship, I want her to look back and think of me as a friend she liked, and not to think of what I became (what I know I will become). This is all even besides the pain I feel for her not returning my feelings for her, and how much I want to be with her.

I think I should ask her on a date, and if she doesn't want to do so, then I should let our friendship die. I love her to the point that I'd suffer miserably so she can have happy memories. I know if I aggressively pursue her, that it would be offset by the anger I'd cause her.

So should I go for dating her, pursue her blatantly,let our friendship die, or another combination?

[Canuck]

First off you asked and she said no... let her be then.
The worst thing you can do is try and make her do anything, that isn't love. If you really do value her friendship then respect her wishes and just move on and find someone who feels the same as you do. You are fantasizing about a past experience that could have been and convincing yourself you can change her mind... don't go there you will go down in flames fast.

Your also on the rebound... your body's drug chemistry and mind are messed up right now. Worst time to search out for another relationship that's even worse than the one before. Take a breather and regroup.

[Sergeant Thorne]

This may not help you, but in my opinion, in a lot of ways dating at a young age is not a good idea (how old are you anyway?). I mean if you really think you love her why would you be willing to risk your relationship on \"dating?\" Whether by pursuing her 100% or dropping what relationship you have because she doesn't want to date you? Things change--people change. Her mind will undoubtedly not be changed because you reiterate your desires/feelings only a week after a firm rejection, and having not even seen her in-between. If you are going to endeavor to change her mind, then you're going to have to be intelligent about it. In the mean-time try to get to know her, and to let her get to know you (and be sure you're a good you--stand up straight and be someone she'd have a reason to be interested in). Be there. I would say there's nothing wrong with her knowing that you like her, as long as it isn't demanding something that she feels she can't give (and to me it sounds like that's where you're at, so you may need to give that some serious thought). I don't know what kind of a relationship you two have, but as it stands something may need to be said or it may drift apart as a result of your confession alone, with her feeling that you're actively wanting something that she isn't prepared to give. Maybe tell her that you like her so much that you'll drop the idea of dating her, since she isn't interested. There's no reason to seal your fate with a statement like \"... just be friends ...\"

On a lighter note, you could suggest having dinner somewhere to celebrate your repaired friendship. (only kidding)

[Gekko71]

Your also on the rebound... your body's drug chemistry and mind are messed up right now. Worst time to search out for another relationship that's even worse than the one before. Take a breather and regroup.

X2 on this! Give it time, give her and you lots of space - There's no other recourse. Anything else will just make it harder to keep your head on straight. (been there - hate that!)

Good luck.

[Kiran]

I agree with Canuck. Rebound energy is a bad way to try to fix things up and set it in the path you want it to be.
If you still want her and don't want anyone else to be with her, you'll have to be real careful about it. However, if you truly love her, let things be and in time, maybe you'll get to be with her. That's what I did with Dknight. He and I were friends and flew together in the mines and had fun. At some point, we both have feelings for each other, but due to the distance, we never said anything. I didn't realize how much I was in love with him until it was mentioned in chat that he has started seeing someone (a few people were suggesting the possibility of us dating-which led DK to comment that he is with someone). I wanted to say no, I wanted to give this feeling a try, but I didn't know if it could work out. I really wanted him to be happy even if it's with someone else. I had to let him go, with the excuse that a long distance relationship couldn't work.

When he disappeared from Kali for several months due to the air force, my feelings never died. I kept thinking about him and it drove me crazy. I even dated a couple guys ( I was probably in rebound stage, looking for some guys that could measure up to him) and the relationship didn't last long. But at some point DK came back and we stayed friends for a few months more and one day, DK slipped a hint just to see what my response is- and my reply was that I felt the same.
I'm not saying that is what can happen to you- it may not. There's a plan for all of us and things happen for a reason. She's either not meant to be your lifelong mate or she's meant to say no for now because she isn't ready. She probably has a crush on someone else and then suddenly finds out one of her closest friends really like her. The bad thing about us is that we tend to say things we dont' really mean when put on the spot. We can be really ignorant sometimes and if the revelation was suddenly right in front of us, we go into defensive mode. We like to think about things like the relationship and figure out if it's worth the risk- if what we have now is great or can what we have be so much more? The bad part about turning a great friendship into a serious relationship is if it goes bad, you just lost something precious.
I suggest that you wait and stay friends with her- hang out with her all you want, just don't make things awkward for her. That's the worst thing to do to someone you're trying to keep things intact with.

[Dakatsu]

I suggest that you wait and stay friends with her- hang out with her all you want, just don't make things awkward for her. That's the worst thing to do to someone you're trying to keep things intact with.

In the mean-time try to get to know her, and to let her get to know you (and be sure you're a good you--stand up straight and be someone she'd have a reason to be interested in). Be there.

I guess this is really what I meant by \"date\" - spend time with her, only away from school. I wouldn't attempt to do anything romantic and such, just have fun together. I think about her all the time, and to just spend time with her would be nice.

In terms of more of our background - we have been friends for three years, the fourth longest time of any of my friends. Although I say to my older friends she is not my best friend, I consider her to be my best friend, simply because she genuinely cares about me. I don't know how I rank on her scale, but I've assumed I am very close to the top. I think I am her longest friendship, but I could be wrong. In terms of other boys, I remember something a long time ago about a Swedish boy she met while she was in Macedonia. She liked him, but I haven't heard about him in at least three months (we tell eachother everything, so I am sure she wasn't hiding it from me).

We have been fairly distant this school year compared to the last two, as although she is at the same school I am, she has little time due to work for the IB Program (I just slack off and accept a B grade, she works hard for an A). She often can't talk on the phone because of it.

To clarify, our \"date\" wouldn't have any romantic context, we would watch movies, goof off, have fun, without anything romantic. We could get to know eachother even more, and make up for the time we used to see eachother. That's why I think it's a good idea. It might be possible to be her friend if I can see her and be around her, but if I am mostly left to think about her, I know it will only drive me mad.

Due to the float schedule, me and her were not even in the same building, so I couldn't see her, let alone talk to her. Chances are FCAT testing will keep us separated for another two days.

[snoopy]

I still love her, and I want her to be mine, but I also want her to be my friend. I sadly know, given past experiences, that I;

• Cannot be friends with someone I love.
• Cannot fall out of love with her in time, only if she changes or hurts me.

I think you're wrong.

My wife and I were good friends before we started dating. We started dating after a bit when she was dating another guy, and I saw her a lot less, and realized that I missed her company.

Our dating relationship deepened our friendship, and now in marriage I consider her by and far my best friend.

This might strike you as an odd thing to say, but I consider marriage, or any lasting romance, friendship first and romance second.

So, if you really care for her, I'd say try to set aside your feelings, and just try to genuinely be her friend, with no ulterior motive. If you can do that, you'll either eventually realize that it was mostly your crush that was making you think you were friends with her, or you will (hopefully both of you) realize exactly how much your value her friendship.

[Spooky]

░

[Tunnelcat]

There are so many fish in the sea to choose from Dakatsu, keep looking for that one true love. If she rejected you even AFTER you admitted your deepest feelings, she's probably not interested or ever going to be.

In fact, she may be uncomfortable being around you now since you've told her your feelings. Don't be mad at yourself for divulging your feelings to her and getting rejected. It's better to know these things up front instead of dancing around them. If SHE, however, were to initiate contact unprompted for a friendly get together or two, THEN I would be more optimistic that she may have more interest than just friendship. See what happens and keep your options open and your radar tuned for more promising prospects.

You're young, so don't get disappointed if you haven't connected with a girl yet. All I know is that when you eventually meet your true love, things will definitely 'click' and both of you will know it. The feelings will be mutual between the two of you and it will feel 'right', not just the hormones calling. It was for me and my husband, who I found in college. Incidentally, I knew he was the one after meeting him just once. The feelings were mutual too.

[AlphaDoG]

In fact, she may be uncomfortable being around you now since you've told her your feelings. Don't be mad at yourself for divulging your feelings to her and getting rejected.

Don't be mad at her either.

[Dakatsu]

I finally got ahold of her, and we're still friends, and I am going to do everything I possibly can to remain friends. I'm going to invite her over to my house, but not now, later. It won't be a date or anything, I just want to spend time with her. I will do everything possible to not only keep our friendship, but make it stronger, and it was stronger when we saw eachother and could have fun. I love her so much, and I can only hope she falls for me, but losing her is something I cannot possibly just let happen.

Damn, 23 minutes goes by fast when your talking on the phone

Thanks for the advice, I don't think I followed any of it, but reading it definitely altered my final actions, probably for the better

[SilverFJ]

Find a way to humiliate her in public and destroy her image, then you can focus on your relationship?

[Tunnelcat]

I finally got ahold of her, and we're still friends, and I am going to do everything I possibly can to remain friends. I'm going to invite her over to my house, but not now, later. It won't be a date or anything, I just want to spend time with her. I will do everything possible to not only keep our friendship, but make it stronger, and it was stronger when we saw eachother and could have fun. I love her so much, and I can only hope she falls for me, but losing her is something I cannot possibly just let happen.

Don't push too hard and you just might succeed. Sometimes women can be a little indecisive when it comes to emotional life choices. But if things don't seem to go anywhere after a while, free yourself from her spell and start trolling the pond again. You may be surprised when you find a better catch. Never say never.

[SilverFJ]

[AlphaDoG]

Oui!