Mixed Feelings

[BigSlideHimself]

A quick recap: I met this girl 8 months ago while she was on break from college, we hit it off, went on a couple of dates, but before it got anywhere near serious she went back to school, 3 hours away. Over the course of the fall semester we wrote letters and emails and made phone calls, just getting to know eachother, then when she came back for a month for Christmas we dated again and got more serious.

Over the past couple of months, we became more serious, and I was absolutely crazy about her. I see her about once ever 1 or 2 weeks for about 6 hours, it always goes great. Here's where the prob is: lately I've been having just apathetic feelings toward her. It will last for several hours of the day, then I'll feel good about her again, but these lulls in my feelings are a new development. I think it might be because of the distance, perhaps it's only natural to grow apart. I'm just curious if anyone has had a similar reaction to a long distance relationship.

[Topher]

Distance doesn't work. There's lack of closeness, you'll start to feel obligated to see her every week, then one week you or her will want off and the other takes it like an arrow to the heart. Unless your plans are to live closer in the near future, why spend your time on something that just causes anxiety?

A tough lesson to learn is that there will always be more girls. When it comes to dating, you can find someone else and you'll know more about what to look for and what not to because of your current experiences.

[[]V[]essenjah]

Yep, distance is not a good way to go. There was once a girl that used to live in my town that had a big case on me. She moved just before my freshman year at high school. A few years later, she called me up asking me if I would like to move in with her in the city. We wrote back and forth for some odd years but I rarely paid attention to her. I didn't have a car at the time so I turned her down. A couple months later she told me that she had a boyfriend, a while later she was getting married and had a baby on the way. It was only about a week or so later that I met the next girl I ended up dating. So you never know.


Though, there isn't always more girls. My dates are always about 3 years apart for some odd reason and I only date one girl at a time. Then there seems to be a long steady break for me. It seems like the girls that are always attracted to me are sort of forbidden. :\\

[Dedman]

I don't think that 3 hours is that big a deal. Mrs. Dedman and I lived about 3 hours apart for two years while we were in college (me in Daytona Beach and her in Tampa). Of course, we were married at the time so it was a different situation. Still, a 3-hour car ride every other weekend or so is not a big deal at all. If you really are crazy about her, go out to see her every other week for a few months and see what happens. If not, there are other fish in the sea.

[Iceman]

Distance doesn't work. There's lack of closeness

Nail gets hit on head

[Dedman]

Distance doesn't work. There's lack of closeness

Nail gets hit on head

It doesn't work for some, maybe even most. But, I know many couples that make it work. Again, they are all married so they have a vested interest in making it work. It isn't for everyone but it can be done for short periods (1-2 years). It just makes the relationship that much harder to maintain. I think the key is to make the most of the time you get to spend together. No movies, no tv, no nothing but each other.

[snoopy]

I agree with Ded. I had a long distance relationship (~22 hours driving) with my girlfriend (now wife) for about a year, and it made our relationship grow by leaps and bounds. It is understandable that you have apathetic feelings at times- because a more serious relationship is more work, and we're all lazy. I don't think that distance simply doesn't work- what it does do is test each person and the relationship, if both people arn't committed to it, it will fail. If you both decide to stick with it, and the relationship survives, I can almost guarantee you that it will be a hundred times better once you're on the other side, mostly because distance teaches you how to really communicate. Good communication is key to good long term relationships. (Another example of a long distance relationship (dating and engaged) is Lothar and Drakona... We'll see if they chime in.)

[Suncho]

One of my friends in real life has a long distance relationship. One thing they do is they have movie dates where they both rent the same movie and watch it at the same time while they talk on the phone.

[Beowulf]

That's gay.

Trust me pal, long distance stuff doesn't work. Eventually that distance is going to weaken the bond of affection, and you're going to feel obligated to stay together, rather than stay together because you like each other. What's even worse is if you meet someone new, then you feel bitter towards the other person because you feel chained and you can't do anything since you're so far apart.

My advice?
Two words: Weekend Pussy.

[Money!]

Beo speaks... so be it.

[Lothar]

Suggestion: listen to the married guys, not the single ones ;) Snoopy said some great things in his post.

Trust me pal, long distance stuff doesn't work.

http://tomandcatherine.com/story.html QED

IMO, distance is a really good thing in a relationship sometimes, because it shows you where you're at. It shows you how much you care or don't, how much you really love each other or don't. All you have at a distance is the words you share, so it really teaches you a lot about where you really stand. And if you stick together through it, when you finally do get back closer you've learned a ton of communication sk1llz.

[Drakona]

Moreover, distance forces you to make sacrifices for each other in time and attention. This is a good habit to get into, as marriage is about self-sacrifice. A relationship that falls apart before the inconvenience of long-distance phone calls and drives would disintegrate under the stresses and challenges of marriage--joint financial pressures, persistant character flaws, different career directions...

I believe that making a long-distance relationship work goes a long way toward demonstrating that the parties involved can handle being married.

[Suncho]

I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Lothar and Drakona. =)

[Topher]

I believe that making a long-distance relationship work goes a long way toward demonstrating that the parties involved can handle being married.

Right, and a sure fire way to turn a girl off is to say "I think the strains of a long distance relationship will help us later when we're married."

I don't know about everyone else, but eight months isn't exactly enough time to get hitched on the marriage wagon. The opposite could be said too, making a long distance relationship work may mean that you have no way of having a short distance one later.

Again, what are you hoping to gain if you have no real future plans to be closer later? I would venture a guess that you will really regret altering the course of your life to move out there for someone that you've known only for eight months
and have it not work out.

If you're both engaged and really into getting married, I'd say of course, but not if you're just dating.

[Testiculese]

Suggestion: listen to the married guys, not the single ones Snoopy said some great things in his post.

Trust me pal, long distance stuff doesn't work.

http://tomandcatherine.com/story.html QED

IMO, distance is a really good thing in a relationship sometimes, because it shows you where you're at. It shows you how much you care or don't, how much you really love each other or don't. All you have at a distance is the words you share, so it really teaches you a lot about where you really stand. And if you stick together through it, when you finally do get back closer you've learned a ton of communication sk1llz.

2 out of thousands end up like you, Lothar. The ratio is really low. (I do agree, however, "All you have at a distance is the words you share, so it really teaches you a lot about where you really stand." I really wish this would apply to millions more people offline.)

However, if it works, it will always work, if you (BSH) are already apathetic, chances of anything positive happening is lowering by the second. You have to figure out if you want to work on something that could spend years like this. (Assuming that your present situation('s) are unchanging in the future)

If the two of you look into each other with a rare, but complete understanding, then you better quit your job and move to wherever she is, otherwise...it's just a few dates.

[Lothar]

I don't know about everyone else, but eight months isn't exactly enough time to get hitched on the marriage wagon. The opposite could be said too, making a long distance relationship work may mean that you have no way of having a short distance one later.

1) Drakona and I were engaged about 8 months after we started dating... long distance.

2) I can't imagine how a long-distance relationship would HURT your chances for a short-distance relationship, unless you were dishonest with each other at long-distance.

what are you hoping to gain if you have no real future plans to be closer later?

I didn't have any future plans to move to Washington. The relationship necessitated the plans.

Of course, if the relationship doesn't go that way, there's no need to make such plans. In that case, break it off.

2 out of thousands end up like you, Lothar. The ratio is really low.

I know a few more couples like us.

Isn't the ratio really low for people who date in person and never have any long-distance anything? Most people date dozens before they find the right one.

I'm not saying long-distance relationships are more stable than others... just that success is not so rare that you should avoid it at all costs.

if it works, it will always work, if you (BSH) are already apathetic, chances of anything positive happening is lowering by the second.

Totally agreed. If it's worth it to you, make it work. If not, let her go. Patience is not necessarily a virtue here.

[Flabby Chick]

For nine months me n the mrs were seperated before we got married. She in Bogota, i all over the place. Our relationship was tested, but we came out the better for it. Dosn't work for all though.


.......there are times when i wish she'd go back to bogota for a while.

[Dedman]

.......there are times when i wish she'd go back to bogota for a while.

Mrs. Dedman and I have been married for 17 years this August. I can totally understand where you are comming from there Flabby